Five Minute Friday: LAST

This is another Five Minute Friday link-up. The goal is to write about a prompt with no regard to spell check and no over thinking. Just write your heart for five minutes, link up with amazing bloggers and encourage one another. 

This week's prompt: LAST. 

GO. 

I'm very last minute now in planning. This time two years ago, I would have had my calendar printed with nearly every weekend booked until the new year. My little world would snowball until January. I used to make many future plans. Not just next week, next month, but next year, next Christmas, next vacation, next baby. 

And then my faith in the future failed me. I had great plans, most of which I knew would please my mom, and hopefully God at the same time. However, in order for those plans to exist, that meant SHE would have to exist. (And I know she does still exist.) 

So I dwell on that last phone call, that last conversation about Job, that last laugh, that last story I told her about my crazy duo. And as far as my future is, I hold on to today and place the rest in His care. He's already there. 

STOP. 

 

Everybody's workin' for the weekend.....

To most, it's no secret that this coming weekend is a big deal for our family. It's a life-changing, life-moving deal. We knew that God would be faithful if we just let go of our grip to our surroundings. To all we've ever known. All we've been accustomed to is the daily grind, somewhat being in a ministry role, but having obligations to secular jobs that completely determined when we came and when we went. 

But this new step.....this is freedom...

I'm excited for this weekend, diving head first into some good works that He has began. I'll be honest. When we handed God the reigns a few months ago, I had no clue how He would use us again. And not that I'm ready to take the reigns back by any means, but this door that He has opened....wow. The picture that He has painted...it's overwhelmingly good. Above and beyond what we dreamed. 

I would have never picked this for myself. His vision is so much greater than ours. I am nervous. I am reminded of how unworthy I am. And as wonderful and smooth as it all has been thus far, the enemy still renders me with such anxiety. The unknowns..

It's hard to sleep at night. Until He takes the unknowns and rests them on His shoulders. When He takes my anxieties and soothes my soul. Man, I don't deserve His love and faithfulness, His loving-kindness. 

But He is my strength when I am weak, 

He is the treasure that I seek.

He is my All in All

I'm every woman...

I wish I could tell you that the last six months, where I have had the opportunity to stay at home with my beautiful children, have been life changing and fulfilling. And honestly, if I was half the mother that I should be, I would be telling you how rewarding each and every moment has been. I have this picture of the perfect mom in my head. She is the combination of a 3-5 different women I know. The football mom, who is engaged in her kids' daily activities, loves her husband more than life itself, loves Jesus, and embraces her role as a P31. The military wife, who runs her home while her man is deployed, home schools her four beautiful blessings, has this amazing awareness of the physical and spiritual health of not just her but her family as well. The pastor's wife, who home schools her blessings based on Biblical aspects, runs an inspiring blog and loves her Jesus. The mother who is a cancer survivor, works  full time job, conquers her fears daily and is a runner. Throw in my mom, my sisters, and there you have it.....my ideal woman. The woman who I strive to be like. Isn't she beautiful, folks??? 

And while this imaginary woman seems like a great plan, I have completely missed the mark. Each of these girls wake up every morning and put their pants on one leg at a time. They have goals just like me. So the difference?? While I'm striving to model my life like theirs, they are striving to model their life like HIM. 

So last week, I wrote down their names and exactly what I admired of them. As the list grew, I realized how ridiculous it all was. The truth is, I am made in the image of Christ, just like them. I have been given opportunities to serve Him, just like them. It is my job to follow through, to love Jesus and love people. And I do....I do love Jesus and I adore people. I love my husband and my beautiful G and P. and I love my family and my friends. And while I'm in a different stage of life than some other women, I am embracing this journey He's given me. It's a short journey so I don't have time for menial comparisons.

Even though I feel as though I wasted six months, today....today my son told me I was pretty. Today I got to lounge around with my kids while I'm still healing. Today, I got to take my kids to a birthday party so they could spend time with friends that we might not get to see very often in the near future. Today, I showed my babies how fireflies shine at night. Today, I got kisses from both my children and my man. And I have seen God's glory through it all. He spent all day with me today. All day people... Today, I was shown that He loves me...and there's more to come.

As I wait....

Never bargain with God. When you start to trade your deeds for His, He will always get His heart broke. Don't speak vain prayers. Don't even utter them. Mean what you say, because He will always take you at your word. He always lives up to His end of the deal. 

Those are words I should have said to myself three months ago.....even a year ago. My husband and I were empty. Clueless. Stunned. Broken.

Empty.

We questioned God, and we were totally out of line. For years, He has proven Himself to us over and over and over again. Every piece of our particular story has been penned by Him. He has placed us, removed us, broken us, provided for us, loved us, forgiven us, blessed us, HEARD US. Brought us back to Him when we had wondered astray. When David wrote "the Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want" we think he had us in his clear view. We are the poster couple for that verse. We have mental memorials to remind us of His faithfulness. His timing. His people. His provision. His love.

So, when we prayed and decided to let Him have His way, He has simply wowed us again. I hope that I never grow tired of His Hand. That I never forget where we started and where we are headed. Even when we tend to lose our way, He has held steady. Even on the straight and narrow, there are still small places to stop and hide. I, however, have never been out of His sight. 

Pain

Definitely in grief mode tonight. I miss my mom so bad. Tonight, I tried to casually mention that she died, but there was no casual to it. The girls around me may not have known, but I was losing it inside. 

I guess I'm in denial?? I dunno. Just saying it sounds absurd. Sometimes it's easier if I just convince myself that I'm mad at her and that's why we aren't talking. I guess I am mad a little. 

I took down all of her pictures. Thinking about deleting her from my phone. Something is messed up with Facebook so it seems like she's on it all the time, as if she can just strike up a convo anytime she wants. But she never does.

I've had nothing from her since she left.....no dreams.....only one instance where I could honestly feel someone pressing on my back. I tried to move and it wouldn't go away. I knew it was her....but I can say that it's not enough....

Something in me has always felt like I was untouchable. Bad things happen to other people, not me. And hey, it sucks for them and if I can remember then I will try to pray for them. I have been living in the land of Me for quite some time. 

But this.....THIS is the unthinkable. I never knew such pain existed. Pain that leaves you surrounded by many but so incredibly lonely in the same moment. Pain that keeps you up at night with thousands of scenarios...what ifs, questions that will never be answered. Pain that tricks you into thinking that you're entitled to happiness. Pain that opens up the darkest parts of your soul, holes that you now know exist because she's not here to fill them. Pain that causes a mass of confusion to cloud your head, cloud your heart, fog up every relationship you've ever had, including the one with your very own Creator. Pain that makes you want to give it all up. Pain that makes you forget anything good He's ever done. Pain that refuses to see what good lies ahead. Pain that attracts other pain, and revels in the bad, the depressing.....makes you live there because that's the last connection you had with the one that left. Pain that makes the clock speed up for everyone but you. 

That pain gives a whole new definition to self-absorbed. And I am....and I'm sorry. Most days, I feel ready to move on, ready to give God this grief and move back into my joy that I let sorrow rob me of.....Please God, let tomorrow be one of those days. Please let this sorrow last only for tonight. Help me to sleep knowing that Your joy awaits me in the sunlight. Your mercies are new every day. I could definitely use a break. Help my unbelief......

And one more thing, thanks for stripping me down to notice that I need You. I simply cannot do this without You. When all of my crutches are gone, You step right in and grab ahold of me. Remind me. Thank you for loving me, even when I was unlovable. Thank You for rooting hope into my heart, so that when I have low days like this, I can breathe in Your love and Your grace and Your understanding. Your peace passes it all....

Brave

Today's Five Minute Friday prompt is BRAVE. Honestly, I had to look the word up. I see that word and immediately my head turns to the redheaded cartoon, even though we've never seen it. So, after Webster schooled me on some synonyms, I think I'm ready....five minutes....

and Go.

He has never waivered. We have gone through so much. He has constantly worked hard, making sure that we are taken care of. When I lost my job, he didn't blink. He has such great faith in our Provider. He continues day in and day out with out doubt. He keeps us going through prayer. He is our leader. He is always looking out for what is best for us. Not him....but US. He is truly the unsung hero of our family. Never has such bravery been shown by me....certainly not me. It's not in me. But it is in him. He has taken the responsibility to lead us to the highest honor. I never dreamed that life could take us down such paths. He keeps his head high, takes me by the hand, and without speaking a word I know that he and God have it all settled. He is my brave hero.....he is my husband. He is my best friend. And Stop..

Friend

I stumbled across a challenge a few weeks ago. A fellow blogger creates a subject and asks that we write for five minutes, no corrections, so thinking it through, just simply write/type for only five minutes for whatever gets laid upon your heart. Most of the time, I accept the challenge but only write in a journal. Today seemed safe enough, so you get to see a small glimpse of a healing heart.

Today's prompt.....FRIEND....

A friend loves at all times....and that's what she did.
She raised her best friends. She had this amazing ability to be a mother, a friend, a mentor...all under one hat. She could correct one minute and laugh the next. She was an encourager and the strongest battle companion.
And then she just disappeared.

She can never be replaced. I guess people who have all those qualities in one little, mortal body just aren't meant to be here forever. Honestly, if you have someone like that, it becomes easy to replace this friend named Christ.

But as the past months have rolled around, I have come across friends that have all those qualities. Just not in one body. I have a friend who is a good mother figure. I have some amazing mentors. I have a friend who isn't afraid to correct, even if it takes me getting upset with her. I have one who can make me laugh ALL.DAY.LONG. I have an encourager. I have a battle partner.

And mostly importantly, I have Jesus. I have had the opportunity to see how valuable His friendship really is.

And now, I get to raise my best friends with my hot, hubby friend :). Let the good times roll.