If I would discipline myself towards a decent bedtime, maybe I could get out of bed in the morning. Maybe if I plug myself into my kids day rather than plugging them into mine....
I've been trying to read through a book the past two weeks. I'm in chapter 3 if that tells you anything. However, this chapter has challenged me so much. It has shown me just how much my thought life controls me. It's shocking really. Most of my actions now are thought driven. They didn't used to be, and I'll explain that in a minute. But right now, my thoughts are driving my feelings...just adding gas really, and they make me harbor ill feelings towards people who I genuinely love. When I'm hurt or have been disappointed, and I let my thoughts run away with those feelings, major damage is eroding in my heart.
I cried a lot last week. I HATE CRYING. I hate feeling that weak, and honestly, when my husband was just trying to help me get a grip, I denied his help thinking he just doesn't understand....but it was me who didn't understand.
When Christ is in our lives, this constant battle between my sin and His goodness is quite tangling. My ears are deaf to His voice and my heart just wants to "feel good" again. Whatever it takes, whatever scripture that fits the moment, wherever I need to go, whomever I need to talk to.....I find myself searching for that ONE answer. The answer that will fix this....FIX ME!!
Last week, I felt forgotten. (Man, how my head lies to me.) I hadn't heard from any friend for almost a week. And then last night, while talking to a friend, the Holy Spirit rattled something out of my mouth that I personally needed to hear. You see, through all this tragedy, He has placed people in my life for me to lean on and learn from, for me to cry on and cry out to. I firmly believe that as those people fizzle out, fall away, whatever you call it, it's an opportunity to lean on Him more. He knows that I physically need people in my life, He is sensitive to my heart. But after so long, it's time to trust in Him again.
When tragedy strikes, I used to be the first one running. It's how I was raised. My mom would drop everything and hit the ground running when a friend was in need. No feelings, no time for thoughts....just simply GO. Now I find myself thinking it through. Maybe I'm just shell-shocked?
Whatever it is, I feel handicapped. Restricted by myself. If I just stay at home, maybe the pain will stay away and not rear its ugly head. Seriously, how sinful is that?
The next few weeks, I'm going to try to let the Holy Spirit reveal to me my thought life, and all the ugliness of the process. I am the only one holding myself back, for nonsense reasons.
"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." Psalm 51:10
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