As I wait....

Never bargain with God. When you start to trade your deeds for His, He will always get His heart broke. Don't speak vain prayers. Don't even utter them. Mean what you say, because He will always take you at your word. He always lives up to His end of the deal. 

Those are words I should have said to myself three months ago.....even a year ago. My husband and I were empty. Clueless. Stunned. Broken.

Empty.

We questioned God, and we were totally out of line. For years, He has proven Himself to us over and over and over again. Every piece of our particular story has been penned by Him. He has placed us, removed us, broken us, provided for us, loved us, forgiven us, blessed us, HEARD US. Brought us back to Him when we had wondered astray. When David wrote "the Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want" we think he had us in his clear view. We are the poster couple for that verse. We have mental memorials to remind us of His faithfulness. His timing. His people. His provision. His love.

So, when we prayed and decided to let Him have His way, He has simply wowed us again. I hope that I never grow tired of His Hand. That I never forget where we started and where we are headed. Even when we tend to lose our way, He has held steady. Even on the straight and narrow, there are still small places to stop and hide. I, however, have never been out of His sight. 

Pain

Definitely in grief mode tonight. I miss my mom so bad. Tonight, I tried to casually mention that she died, but there was no casual to it. The girls around me may not have known, but I was losing it inside. 

I guess I'm in denial?? I dunno. Just saying it sounds absurd. Sometimes it's easier if I just convince myself that I'm mad at her and that's why we aren't talking. I guess I am mad a little. 

I took down all of her pictures. Thinking about deleting her from my phone. Something is messed up with Facebook so it seems like she's on it all the time, as if she can just strike up a convo anytime she wants. But she never does.

I've had nothing from her since she left.....no dreams.....only one instance where I could honestly feel someone pressing on my back. I tried to move and it wouldn't go away. I knew it was her....but I can say that it's not enough....

Something in me has always felt like I was untouchable. Bad things happen to other people, not me. And hey, it sucks for them and if I can remember then I will try to pray for them. I have been living in the land of Me for quite some time. 

But this.....THIS is the unthinkable. I never knew such pain existed. Pain that leaves you surrounded by many but so incredibly lonely in the same moment. Pain that keeps you up at night with thousands of scenarios...what ifs, questions that will never be answered. Pain that tricks you into thinking that you're entitled to happiness. Pain that opens up the darkest parts of your soul, holes that you now know exist because she's not here to fill them. Pain that causes a mass of confusion to cloud your head, cloud your heart, fog up every relationship you've ever had, including the one with your very own Creator. Pain that makes you want to give it all up. Pain that makes you forget anything good He's ever done. Pain that refuses to see what good lies ahead. Pain that attracts other pain, and revels in the bad, the depressing.....makes you live there because that's the last connection you had with the one that left. Pain that makes the clock speed up for everyone but you. 

That pain gives a whole new definition to self-absorbed. And I am....and I'm sorry. Most days, I feel ready to move on, ready to give God this grief and move back into my joy that I let sorrow rob me of.....Please God, let tomorrow be one of those days. Please let this sorrow last only for tonight. Help me to sleep knowing that Your joy awaits me in the sunlight. Your mercies are new every day. I could definitely use a break. Help my unbelief......

And one more thing, thanks for stripping me down to notice that I need You. I simply cannot do this without You. When all of my crutches are gone, You step right in and grab ahold of me. Remind me. Thank you for loving me, even when I was unlovable. Thank You for rooting hope into my heart, so that when I have low days like this, I can breathe in Your love and Your grace and Your understanding. Your peace passes it all....

Brave

Today's Five Minute Friday prompt is BRAVE. Honestly, I had to look the word up. I see that word and immediately my head turns to the redheaded cartoon, even though we've never seen it. So, after Webster schooled me on some synonyms, I think I'm ready....five minutes....

and Go.

He has never waivered. We have gone through so much. He has constantly worked hard, making sure that we are taken care of. When I lost my job, he didn't blink. He has such great faith in our Provider. He continues day in and day out with out doubt. He keeps us going through prayer. He is our leader. He is always looking out for what is best for us. Not him....but US. He is truly the unsung hero of our family. Never has such bravery been shown by me....certainly not me. It's not in me. But it is in him. He has taken the responsibility to lead us to the highest honor. I never dreamed that life could take us down such paths. He keeps his head high, takes me by the hand, and without speaking a word I know that he and God have it all settled. He is my brave hero.....he is my husband. He is my best friend. And Stop..

Friend

I stumbled across a challenge a few weeks ago. A fellow blogger creates a subject and asks that we write for five minutes, no corrections, so thinking it through, just simply write/type for only five minutes for whatever gets laid upon your heart. Most of the time, I accept the challenge but only write in a journal. Today seemed safe enough, so you get to see a small glimpse of a healing heart.

Today's prompt.....FRIEND....

A friend loves at all times....and that's what she did.
She raised her best friends. She had this amazing ability to be a mother, a friend, a mentor...all under one hat. She could correct one minute and laugh the next. She was an encourager and the strongest battle companion.
And then she just disappeared.

She can never be replaced. I guess people who have all those qualities in one little, mortal body just aren't meant to be here forever. Honestly, if you have someone like that, it becomes easy to replace this friend named Christ.

But as the past months have rolled around, I have come across friends that have all those qualities. Just not in one body. I have a friend who is a good mother figure. I have some amazing mentors. I have a friend who isn't afraid to correct, even if it takes me getting upset with her. I have one who can make me laugh ALL.DAY.LONG. I have an encourager. I have a battle partner.

And mostly importantly, I have Jesus. I have had the opportunity to see how valuable His friendship really is.

And now, I get to raise my best friends with my hot, hubby friend :). Let the good times roll.

Sweet Holy Spirit

Man, I had a day....just a beautiful day of worship and fellowship and sunshine. I had a day.

We were asked to sing at our dear friends' church this morning. Over the weekend, my husband surprised me by telling them that we would do one song and it would be led by me. For all of my friends/followers, you have read previously what a huge deal singing has turned into for me. But as we practiced, I found myself excited, actually, to sing these words about God, to God, in front of people, with other people.
Saturday, I couldn't sleep. I just knew Sunday worship would be great. And then Sunday morning, I overslept about 30 minutes longer than I wanted. My daughter just would not cooperate with her Sunday best. We drove, for what seemed like forever, and the anxiety just built up.
We get to church. I put my game face on. As we practiced, Satan snuck in. "The music is too loud. You are incredibly flat. Did you know you screamed most of that song? There's no way God will be pleased with this. Could you at least put the words on the screen so you don't look like a raging lunatic!?"
That was the beginning to my worship experience today....and you guess it, I was completely overwhelmed. I mean, he was right. There was no way that I could give anything to God that was good enough, even if I gave it my all.
Offering was taken, we made our way to the front. And as I stood there listening to a man ask for God's will and provision over their finances and church, I was swept away. Literally, the Holy Spirit almost knocked me off my feet. Tears welled up in my eyes. I cannot give anything to Him, except me....He can have me. He can have my voice, He can control my voice. It's all His.

And His Spirit flowed out of me. I don't even remember hearing my own voice. There's no way, I was too emotional before I even walked up to the stage...

So many days, I base my status on feelings. I had been pleading with God to let me feel something....anything, just so I know I'm still useful. Most days I feel heartache. But not today.

Today, He filled me up. Today, my cup ran over. Today, I felt like I was being romanced all over again, by the One who loves my soul... I truly had a day.

Ready to be blessed!!!

This will be simple and short. The hubster and I are having a long date night. We (me really) have been anticipating this evening for weeks now. We are going to see some of our favorites in concert this evening. If you are a Facebook friend, I apologize for my crazy enthusiasm. But if you only knew how big of a fan of Kari Jobe I am....you would truly understand.

So quickly, before this audience of friends, I am asking for prayer. A prayer of refreshing for Daniel and me. It seems like a long time since we were able to worship together. I'm excited, nervous, giddy....honestly, I feel like I'm back in middle school going to my first concert ever!

Also, pray that we actually worship! Chris Tomlin and Kari are huge household names now! We made a choice a long time ago to only see Christian bands in concert so we could worship with other believers rather than worship the band on stage. It's incredibly hard to do for two souls who adore music.

Pray for us to have some direction in our lives. We are very much at a crossroads with our ministry and family.

I love having this avenue to connect with you. I trust my heart's songs to you.

Feelings...nothing more than feelings....

So, I struggle....I.Am.Struggling...the past two weeks I have neglected time with the Lord on a daily basis. I've been blaming it on exhaustion and my son not napping. Turns out, I'm just lazy....yeah, I admit it. I AM LAZY... 

If I would discipline myself towards a decent bedtime, maybe I could get out of bed in the morning. Maybe if I plug myself into my kids day rather than plugging them into mine....

I've been trying to read through a book the past two weeks. I'm in chapter 3 if that tells you anything. However, this chapter has challenged me so much. It has shown me just how much my thought life controls me. It's shocking really. Most of my actions now are thought driven. They didn't used to be, and I'll explain that in a minute. But right now, my thoughts are driving my feelings...just adding gas really, and they make me harbor ill feelings towards people who I genuinely love. When I'm hurt or have been disappointed, and I let my thoughts run away with those feelings, major damage is eroding in my heart. 

I cried a lot last week. I HATE CRYING.  I hate feeling that weak, and honestly, when my husband was just trying to help me get a grip, I denied his help thinking he just doesn't understand....but it was me who didn't understand. 

When Christ is in our lives, this constant battle between my sin and His goodness is quite tangling. My ears are deaf to His voice and my heart just wants to "feel good" again. Whatever it takes, whatever scripture that fits the moment, wherever I need to go, whomever I need to talk to.....I find myself searching for that ONE answer. The answer that will fix this....FIX ME!!

Last week, I felt forgotten. (Man, how my head lies to me.) I hadn't heard from any friend for almost a week. And then last night, while talking to a friend, the Holy Spirit rattled something out of my mouth that I personally needed to hear. You see, through all this tragedy, He has placed people in my life for me to lean on and learn from, for me to cry on and cry out to. I firmly believe that as those people fizzle out, fall away, whatever you call it, it's an opportunity to lean on Him more. He knows that I physically need people in my life, He is sensitive to my heart. But after so long, it's time to trust in Him again.

When tragedy strikes, I used to be the first one running. It's how I was raised. My mom would drop everything and hit the ground running when a friend was in need. No feelings, no time for thoughts....just simply GO. Now I find myself thinking it through. Maybe I'm just shell-shocked? 

Whatever it is, I feel handicapped. Restricted by myself. If I just stay at home, maybe the pain will stay away and not rear its ugly head. Seriously, how sinful is that? 

The next few weeks, I'm going to try to let the Holy Spirit reveal to me my thought life, and all the ugliness of the process. I am the only one holding myself back, for nonsense reasons. 

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." Psalm 51:10