I guess I'm in denial?? I dunno. Just saying it sounds absurd. Sometimes it's easier if I just convince myself that I'm mad at her and that's why we aren't talking. I guess I am mad a little.
I took down all of her pictures. Thinking about deleting her from my phone. Something is messed up with Facebook so it seems like she's on it all the time, as if she can just strike up a convo anytime she wants. But she never does.
I've had nothing from her since she left.....no dreams.....only one instance where I could honestly feel someone pressing on my back. I tried to move and it wouldn't go away. I knew it was her....but I can say that it's not enough....
Something in me has always felt like I was untouchable. Bad things happen to other people, not me. And hey, it sucks for them and if I can remember then I will try to pray for them. I have been living in the land of Me for quite some time.
But this.....THIS is the unthinkable. I never knew such pain existed. Pain that leaves you surrounded by many but so incredibly lonely in the same moment. Pain that keeps you up at night with thousands of scenarios...what ifs, questions that will never be answered. Pain that tricks you into thinking that you're entitled to happiness. Pain that opens up the darkest parts of your soul, holes that you now know exist because she's not here to fill them. Pain that causes a mass of confusion to cloud your head, cloud your heart, fog up every relationship you've ever had, including the one with your very own Creator. Pain that makes you want to give it all up. Pain that makes you forget anything good He's ever done. Pain that refuses to see what good lies ahead. Pain that attracts other pain, and revels in the bad, the depressing.....makes you live there because that's the last connection you had with the one that left. Pain that makes the clock speed up for everyone but you.
That pain gives a whole new definition to self-absorbed. And I am....and I'm sorry. Most days, I feel ready to move on, ready to give God this grief and move back into my joy that I let sorrow rob me of.....Please God, let tomorrow be one of those days. Please let this sorrow last only for tonight. Help me to sleep knowing that Your joy awaits me in the sunlight. Your mercies are new every day. I could definitely use a break. Help my unbelief......
And one more thing, thanks for stripping me down to notice that I need You. I simply cannot do this without You. When all of my crutches are gone, You step right in and grab ahold of me. Remind me. Thank you for loving me, even when I was unlovable. Thank You for rooting hope into my heart, so that when I have low days like this, I can breathe in Your love and Your grace and Your understanding. Your peace passes it all....
