Happy Birthday Mom

For my mom's first birthday away from us, my sister suggested we go to her hometown and show her husband around. He had never been to Cincinnati. I just wish she could have shown him herself. Most of the tour was "just turn down that one street" and "something special happened in that house but I can't remember." That may sound unsettling to you, but it just assured me that Mom was with us. Her sense of direction was terrible. If you only knew how many times she got lost.....on the wrong side of Nashville with Katie, Charlotte and my mother-in-law Sharon, or when we took my cousins to the Cincinnati Zoo for Halloween and couldn't get off of Vine Street, or the time I was around 10 and I had to guide her off of New Circle Road. She had no problem asking for directions. But she was never allowed to go into a gas station by herself, less we get a pencilled map on the back of crumbled receipt/lotto ticket. Only to be followed by a "where to?" Then silence and "ummm..." Thanks Mom, we got it. Praise The Lord for GPS!

We began with a drive through Northern Kentucky then a walk on the Newport Levee. My daughter had never been to an aquarium so we ventured in. Then pizza with our family, fellowship, and on outside to release lanterns. I have to be honest. I never liked the idea of the lantern or balloon release. I just thought it seemed juvenile. My mom didn't not like flowers or balloons or anything she couldn't keep. Why should we honor her with something I'm not sure she even liked?
But something happened that night that made me a believer in the sentiment. It was crisp, cool evening. We all wrapped up in blankets, hoodies, you name it. We grabbed our fragile lanterns and began. My sister held hers out so my cousin could light it. As it heated and eventually left her hands, we watched it float higher and higher. It was truly magical. The moon was full and beautifully bright and the clouds ceased to move. Everything stood still. We lit our remaining 3, one by one. Tears fell. We grew silent. And for the first time I felt like I knew where Mom was. Not just spiritually, but physically, I finding myself looking for her among the clouds, in sun rays. I know that the lanterns found her.

The time of your life

My day started earlier than normal today with my son yelling out for me before 7am. I'm not whining at the time because I know so many get up even earlier. But that was a tad bit earlier than I was prepared. I started a challenge about 4 weeks ago to get up for my family, not to my family. I make a choice daily to begin with time with our Lord and in His Word and then get those blessings out of bed.
(Side note...to understand my heart, please know that I very much feel like my life can be broken down to a BC/AD timeline. I refer to things as before Mom, After Mom. In a sense, I'm still stuck in July 2012. I feel like I've moved some, but definitely in slow motion.)

Two days before she left us, she and I sat on a hotel bed in Pigeon Forge. We were waiting for my dad and husband to come pick us up to take my kids to Dollywood. My dad was ill, feeling weak, but he so desired to see my son play in their waterpark. As we waited, Mom proceeded to tell me how the past 5 days had been amazing. Dad had felt the best he had ever felt in the last 5 years. She was digging into God's Word, in great communion with Him. She revealed to me what He was showing her through Job. The conversation was more about the suffering and how to pull through on faith. She confessed her own selfishness and stubborness to me. She was free from a burden she had been carrying for far too long.

When I made the choice to start waking up early, I found a study based on Luke. I pressed on with it even though I didn't feel led to participate. I held out waiting for the Hello Mornings Challenge, not knowing what the material would be. Then it was launched... Abounding Hope, a study of Job. Wow....can we say divine?

I was nervous. I had slim expectations. I never imagined that God could change my heart in just 3 short weeks.

Today's passage was Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.....the ever popular "a time to..." I have heard this scripture so many times at funerals. Most camp out on verse 2....a time to be born and a time to die. A commentary I read through this morning said some observe that here is a time to be born and a time to die, but no time to live; that is so short that it is not worth mentioning; as soon as we are born we begin to die.
Thank goodness the scriptures go on because there are many more appointed times.
Birth and Death. Plant and Uproot. Kill and Heal. Tear down and Build up. WEEP and LAUGH. MOURN and DANCE. Scatter stones....gather stones. Embrace and shun. Seek and Lose. Keep....throw away. Tear apart, mend together. BE SILENT...SPEAK UP. Love and Hate. War and Peace. (This is Life.....this is the dash between the dates.)

Lesson Learned

Let me warn you....this blog post is not for the weak, the timid, the so-so friend. Proceed with caution.

This morning's Word struck some painful notes on my heart. My prayer for myself is that my heart be convicted rather than point fingers as to how I was let down.

After Satan attacked Job's family, fortune, and health, word spread quickly to 3 of his friends. And Job 2:12 says they each came from their place to be with them. Verse 13 says that they mourned over him, with him, sat on the ground with him for 7 days and nights in silence as he grieved. My commentary said these were not fair weather friends. Later I will read that even though their advice was not always sound, they still had their friend's best interest at heart.

It makes me wonder if these "friends" were actually family to some degree. Today makes SEVEN incredibly long, pain-filled months. Most of the world has returned to their normal. I have a few friends who have suffered on their own path as I have this past year. One thing we agree to is there is no normal. Life as we knew it is history, and we must continue down a path that is cloudy. The only thing to guide us is faith.

Family and a handful of friends have been the constant. One person in particular, stuck out to me after I returned home, returned to my new normal. She sat me down, let me talk a bit, then she said, "Tell me how to minister to you, because I want to help. Just tell me how." Another couple just came to my dad's house as we scrambled to make funeral arrangements and other details. They remained in the background. They hugged us, prayed over us, cleaned after us, organized what little bit we had left. You all know who you are.

Let me say that prayer alone has sustained me. It's helped me to be faithful in times that I just wanted to shake my fists at the Lord for the hurt I had. It's shown me God's Way and how Sovereign He is, how His path is not just better, it is best.

Let me also say that while sentiments are nice, flowers, cards, etc.... none of that has made the impact on my bleeding heart like the fellowship of friends that mourned with me, that have walked with me for the last 7 months.

That being said, Please, Lord, let this be a lesson to me that when trouble comes, convict my heart to stop, stay, and be silent. Just sit with my sister/brother and mourn with them. Talk when they need to talk. Be silent when silence is requested. Pray without ceasing for comfort and peace beyond all understanding. To bypass the "I'm sorry" and "if there's anything I can do." There is always something to do! Please forgive me as I have let my faith family down in their times of great need and sadness. Thank You for this example and of the Ultimate Example. Thank You for Your sufficient amount of grace. Thank You for never leaving my side....for just sitting in silence with me.

I thought I lost it all

I have never claimed to be a writer. In fact, I hated to write in school. To make me think, to make me stop and put the pencil to the paper, that was corporal punishment. Recently, I have found it to be releasing. In a sense, I feel like my words can be seen by Heaven, and I can stay connected with my mom.

My mom was glue. Her prayers, her personality, her persistance, it held our family together. And that was difficult. Have you ever tried to keep 20+ people happy, in the same room, all fed? You get the idea. As I tried (and failed) to help my dad and siblings shop for Christmas, I realized just how talented she was. She had this ability to think of ALL of us at the same time, never leaving anyone out, and keeping it all equal. Her house in Heaven will be bigger than the rest of ours.

She was sensitive and had the most amazing skills. She was a P31 (Proverbs 31 woman). She could tell how my day was going with tone of my voice in a simple "Hey." She was silly. She LOVED to laugh. She would anticipate my calls just to hear what crazy things my boy would come up with. I remember when Grady found himself in a mirror at 3 months. I called her up, put her on speaker phone so she could hear him flirting with himself. We laughed for what seemed hours.

She was, OH SO, Wise!! Many of our conversations, she would just stop me and pray for direction, protection, wisdom, peace. I've never met anyone like her. I fear I never will again.
 
When Mom died, I very much died with her. The normal I was accustomed with is gone. My grandfather, who was a Godly man, told her many years ago, that she would not see one of her girls be an adult. (He told her it was revealed to her, like a prophecy, or just God talking to him.) She really didn't believe him, after all, we were both in our twenties, her stepchildren were older than us, we were all married and starting families. I can't speak for my siblings, but as far as I'm concerned, I believe him. It was me he was referring to. My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. We have 2 amazing babies. I have known the Lord since I was 12. I have walked in "The Way" for a long time.

If you would've asked me about my walk with God or my marriage a year ago, I would have told you I was doing ok. God had truly blessed me. Indeed. In July, I watched my world crumble. A typical day prior would involve me calling my mom 3-4 times a day, then my sister. I occasionally would text my husband, and give him a shout on my way home from work. I stayed busy. I gave my kids a kiss every morning and night. I couldn't tell you what their likes and dislikes were because I was too busy.
I went to my mom for everything. Good day, bad day, BIG decisions, little decisions, Funny, sad, Prayer, Vent....oh did I VENT. She was able to put her Titus mentor hat on rather than her momma hat. When I was frustrated with life, or my husband for that matter, she kept me in perspective. She loved Daniel (hubby) even when I waivered. I was such a CHILD.

Today, I read in Psalm 139:23-24 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way."
As I searched through it, I found how superstitious I am. I never ask God for patience....because then He will give me circumstances where I have to be just that.. Patient. So why do I want God to "try" me? I don't. It hurts. I've been going through it for almost 7 months now. Growing pains feel like a heart attack some times. Try me means to test, like a metal. In this case, it compares God's testing to refining precious metal like silver and gold. Hurtful in its Hebrew word (otseb) translates to an idol, sorrow, wicked.. a harmful habit like idolatry.

WOW. I never considered my love and loyalty to my mom hurtful. But it was.
When I returned home after all the services, food, prayers, cards, I noticed my constant. He was always in the background, making sure my needs were met. It was the only guy on earth I've ever loved. He was providing for me, loving me, protecting me. He had never left my side. He was such a witness to what Jesus was trying to do for me too. I realized then just what kind of position I had place my mom in, my husband and my relationship with Christ. It was dangerous. While none were intended to harm me, look what I had done!

I have watched God rearrange my priorities. I hurt, oh my soul, do I hurt. But I could be in such a darker place right now if He hadn't shown me His love, mercy, peace. And this HOPE.....ABOUNDING HOPE.

 

Piper (my daughter) is everything my mom prayed for, I simply can't take credit for her! She's a bouncing, RED HEAD, GIRL. She loves to dance. When I look at her, it's as if I'm accompanied by Mom and my sister, Katie.