Five Minute Friday: LAST

This is another Five Minute Friday link-up. The goal is to write about a prompt with no regard to spell check and no over thinking. Just write your heart for five minutes, link up with amazing bloggers and encourage one another. 

This week's prompt: LAST. 

GO. 

I'm very last minute now in planning. This time two years ago, I would have had my calendar printed with nearly every weekend booked until the new year. My little world would snowball until January. I used to make many future plans. Not just next week, next month, but next year, next Christmas, next vacation, next baby. 

And then my faith in the future failed me. I had great plans, most of which I knew would please my mom, and hopefully God at the same time. However, in order for those plans to exist, that meant SHE would have to exist. (And I know she does still exist.) 

So I dwell on that last phone call, that last conversation about Job, that last laugh, that last story I told her about my crazy duo. And as far as my future is, I hold on to today and place the rest in His care. He's already there. 

STOP. 

 

Everybody's workin' for the weekend.....

To most, it's no secret that this coming weekend is a big deal for our family. It's a life-changing, life-moving deal. We knew that God would be faithful if we just let go of our grip to our surroundings. To all we've ever known. All we've been accustomed to is the daily grind, somewhat being in a ministry role, but having obligations to secular jobs that completely determined when we came and when we went. 

But this new step.....this is freedom...

I'm excited for this weekend, diving head first into some good works that He has began. I'll be honest. When we handed God the reigns a few months ago, I had no clue how He would use us again. And not that I'm ready to take the reigns back by any means, but this door that He has opened....wow. The picture that He has painted...it's overwhelmingly good. Above and beyond what we dreamed. 

I would have never picked this for myself. His vision is so much greater than ours. I am nervous. I am reminded of how unworthy I am. And as wonderful and smooth as it all has been thus far, the enemy still renders me with such anxiety. The unknowns..

It's hard to sleep at night. Until He takes the unknowns and rests them on His shoulders. When He takes my anxieties and soothes my soul. Man, I don't deserve His love and faithfulness, His loving-kindness. 

But He is my strength when I am weak, 

He is the treasure that I seek.

He is my All in All

I'm every woman...

I wish I could tell you that the last six months, where I have had the opportunity to stay at home with my beautiful children, have been life changing and fulfilling. And honestly, if I was half the mother that I should be, I would be telling you how rewarding each and every moment has been. I have this picture of the perfect mom in my head. She is the combination of a 3-5 different women I know. The football mom, who is engaged in her kids' daily activities, loves her husband more than life itself, loves Jesus, and embraces her role as a P31. The military wife, who runs her home while her man is deployed, home schools her four beautiful blessings, has this amazing awareness of the physical and spiritual health of not just her but her family as well. The pastor's wife, who home schools her blessings based on Biblical aspects, runs an inspiring blog and loves her Jesus. The mother who is a cancer survivor, works  full time job, conquers her fears daily and is a runner. Throw in my mom, my sisters, and there you have it.....my ideal woman. The woman who I strive to be like. Isn't she beautiful, folks??? 

And while this imaginary woman seems like a great plan, I have completely missed the mark. Each of these girls wake up every morning and put their pants on one leg at a time. They have goals just like me. So the difference?? While I'm striving to model my life like theirs, they are striving to model their life like HIM. 

So last week, I wrote down their names and exactly what I admired of them. As the list grew, I realized how ridiculous it all was. The truth is, I am made in the image of Christ, just like them. I have been given opportunities to serve Him, just like them. It is my job to follow through, to love Jesus and love people. And I do....I do love Jesus and I adore people. I love my husband and my beautiful G and P. and I love my family and my friends. And while I'm in a different stage of life than some other women, I am embracing this journey He's given me. It's a short journey so I don't have time for menial comparisons.

Even though I feel as though I wasted six months, today....today my son told me I was pretty. Today I got to lounge around with my kids while I'm still healing. Today, I got to take my kids to a birthday party so they could spend time with friends that we might not get to see very often in the near future. Today, I showed my babies how fireflies shine at night. Today, I got kisses from both my children and my man. And I have seen God's glory through it all. He spent all day with me today. All day people... Today, I was shown that He loves me...and there's more to come.

As I wait....

Never bargain with God. When you start to trade your deeds for His, He will always get His heart broke. Don't speak vain prayers. Don't even utter them. Mean what you say, because He will always take you at your word. He always lives up to His end of the deal. 

Those are words I should have said to myself three months ago.....even a year ago. My husband and I were empty. Clueless. Stunned. Broken.

Empty.

We questioned God, and we were totally out of line. For years, He has proven Himself to us over and over and over again. Every piece of our particular story has been penned by Him. He has placed us, removed us, broken us, provided for us, loved us, forgiven us, blessed us, HEARD US. Brought us back to Him when we had wondered astray. When David wrote "the Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want" we think he had us in his clear view. We are the poster couple for that verse. We have mental memorials to remind us of His faithfulness. His timing. His people. His provision. His love.

So, when we prayed and decided to let Him have His way, He has simply wowed us again. I hope that I never grow tired of His Hand. That I never forget where we started and where we are headed. Even when we tend to lose our way, He has held steady. Even on the straight and narrow, there are still small places to stop and hide. I, however, have never been out of His sight. 

Pain

Definitely in grief mode tonight. I miss my mom so bad. Tonight, I tried to casually mention that she died, but there was no casual to it. The girls around me may not have known, but I was losing it inside. 

I guess I'm in denial?? I dunno. Just saying it sounds absurd. Sometimes it's easier if I just convince myself that I'm mad at her and that's why we aren't talking. I guess I am mad a little. 

I took down all of her pictures. Thinking about deleting her from my phone. Something is messed up with Facebook so it seems like she's on it all the time, as if she can just strike up a convo anytime she wants. But she never does.

I've had nothing from her since she left.....no dreams.....only one instance where I could honestly feel someone pressing on my back. I tried to move and it wouldn't go away. I knew it was her....but I can say that it's not enough....

Something in me has always felt like I was untouchable. Bad things happen to other people, not me. And hey, it sucks for them and if I can remember then I will try to pray for them. I have been living in the land of Me for quite some time. 

But this.....THIS is the unthinkable. I never knew such pain existed. Pain that leaves you surrounded by many but so incredibly lonely in the same moment. Pain that keeps you up at night with thousands of scenarios...what ifs, questions that will never be answered. Pain that tricks you into thinking that you're entitled to happiness. Pain that opens up the darkest parts of your soul, holes that you now know exist because she's not here to fill them. Pain that causes a mass of confusion to cloud your head, cloud your heart, fog up every relationship you've ever had, including the one with your very own Creator. Pain that makes you want to give it all up. Pain that makes you forget anything good He's ever done. Pain that refuses to see what good lies ahead. Pain that attracts other pain, and revels in the bad, the depressing.....makes you live there because that's the last connection you had with the one that left. Pain that makes the clock speed up for everyone but you. 

That pain gives a whole new definition to self-absorbed. And I am....and I'm sorry. Most days, I feel ready to move on, ready to give God this grief and move back into my joy that I let sorrow rob me of.....Please God, let tomorrow be one of those days. Please let this sorrow last only for tonight. Help me to sleep knowing that Your joy awaits me in the sunlight. Your mercies are new every day. I could definitely use a break. Help my unbelief......

And one more thing, thanks for stripping me down to notice that I need You. I simply cannot do this without You. When all of my crutches are gone, You step right in and grab ahold of me. Remind me. Thank you for loving me, even when I was unlovable. Thank You for rooting hope into my heart, so that when I have low days like this, I can breathe in Your love and Your grace and Your understanding. Your peace passes it all....

Brave

Today's Five Minute Friday prompt is BRAVE. Honestly, I had to look the word up. I see that word and immediately my head turns to the redheaded cartoon, even though we've never seen it. So, after Webster schooled me on some synonyms, I think I'm ready....five minutes....

and Go.

He has never waivered. We have gone through so much. He has constantly worked hard, making sure that we are taken care of. When I lost my job, he didn't blink. He has such great faith in our Provider. He continues day in and day out with out doubt. He keeps us going through prayer. He is our leader. He is always looking out for what is best for us. Not him....but US. He is truly the unsung hero of our family. Never has such bravery been shown by me....certainly not me. It's not in me. But it is in him. He has taken the responsibility to lead us to the highest honor. I never dreamed that life could take us down such paths. He keeps his head high, takes me by the hand, and without speaking a word I know that he and God have it all settled. He is my brave hero.....he is my husband. He is my best friend. And Stop..

Friend

I stumbled across a challenge a few weeks ago. A fellow blogger creates a subject and asks that we write for five minutes, no corrections, so thinking it through, just simply write/type for only five minutes for whatever gets laid upon your heart. Most of the time, I accept the challenge but only write in a journal. Today seemed safe enough, so you get to see a small glimpse of a healing heart.

Today's prompt.....FRIEND....

A friend loves at all times....and that's what she did.
She raised her best friends. She had this amazing ability to be a mother, a friend, a mentor...all under one hat. She could correct one minute and laugh the next. She was an encourager and the strongest battle companion.
And then she just disappeared.

She can never be replaced. I guess people who have all those qualities in one little, mortal body just aren't meant to be here forever. Honestly, if you have someone like that, it becomes easy to replace this friend named Christ.

But as the past months have rolled around, I have come across friends that have all those qualities. Just not in one body. I have a friend who is a good mother figure. I have some amazing mentors. I have a friend who isn't afraid to correct, even if it takes me getting upset with her. I have one who can make me laugh ALL.DAY.LONG. I have an encourager. I have a battle partner.

And mostly importantly, I have Jesus. I have had the opportunity to see how valuable His friendship really is.

And now, I get to raise my best friends with my hot, hubby friend :). Let the good times roll.

Sweet Holy Spirit

Man, I had a day....just a beautiful day of worship and fellowship and sunshine. I had a day.

We were asked to sing at our dear friends' church this morning. Over the weekend, my husband surprised me by telling them that we would do one song and it would be led by me. For all of my friends/followers, you have read previously what a huge deal singing has turned into for me. But as we practiced, I found myself excited, actually, to sing these words about God, to God, in front of people, with other people.
Saturday, I couldn't sleep. I just knew Sunday worship would be great. And then Sunday morning, I overslept about 30 minutes longer than I wanted. My daughter just would not cooperate with her Sunday best. We drove, for what seemed like forever, and the anxiety just built up.
We get to church. I put my game face on. As we practiced, Satan snuck in. "The music is too loud. You are incredibly flat. Did you know you screamed most of that song? There's no way God will be pleased with this. Could you at least put the words on the screen so you don't look like a raging lunatic!?"
That was the beginning to my worship experience today....and you guess it, I was completely overwhelmed. I mean, he was right. There was no way that I could give anything to God that was good enough, even if I gave it my all.
Offering was taken, we made our way to the front. And as I stood there listening to a man ask for God's will and provision over their finances and church, I was swept away. Literally, the Holy Spirit almost knocked me off my feet. Tears welled up in my eyes. I cannot give anything to Him, except me....He can have me. He can have my voice, He can control my voice. It's all His.

And His Spirit flowed out of me. I don't even remember hearing my own voice. There's no way, I was too emotional before I even walked up to the stage...

So many days, I base my status on feelings. I had been pleading with God to let me feel something....anything, just so I know I'm still useful. Most days I feel heartache. But not today.

Today, He filled me up. Today, my cup ran over. Today, I felt like I was being romanced all over again, by the One who loves my soul... I truly had a day.

Ready to be blessed!!!

This will be simple and short. The hubster and I are having a long date night. We (me really) have been anticipating this evening for weeks now. We are going to see some of our favorites in concert this evening. If you are a Facebook friend, I apologize for my crazy enthusiasm. But if you only knew how big of a fan of Kari Jobe I am....you would truly understand.

So quickly, before this audience of friends, I am asking for prayer. A prayer of refreshing for Daniel and me. It seems like a long time since we were able to worship together. I'm excited, nervous, giddy....honestly, I feel like I'm back in middle school going to my first concert ever!

Also, pray that we actually worship! Chris Tomlin and Kari are huge household names now! We made a choice a long time ago to only see Christian bands in concert so we could worship with other believers rather than worship the band on stage. It's incredibly hard to do for two souls who adore music.

Pray for us to have some direction in our lives. We are very much at a crossroads with our ministry and family.

I love having this avenue to connect with you. I trust my heart's songs to you.

Feelings...nothing more than feelings....

So, I struggle....I.Am.Struggling...the past two weeks I have neglected time with the Lord on a daily basis. I've been blaming it on exhaustion and my son not napping. Turns out, I'm just lazy....yeah, I admit it. I AM LAZY... 

If I would discipline myself towards a decent bedtime, maybe I could get out of bed in the morning. Maybe if I plug myself into my kids day rather than plugging them into mine....

I've been trying to read through a book the past two weeks. I'm in chapter 3 if that tells you anything. However, this chapter has challenged me so much. It has shown me just how much my thought life controls me. It's shocking really. Most of my actions now are thought driven. They didn't used to be, and I'll explain that in a minute. But right now, my thoughts are driving my feelings...just adding gas really, and they make me harbor ill feelings towards people who I genuinely love. When I'm hurt or have been disappointed, and I let my thoughts run away with those feelings, major damage is eroding in my heart. 

I cried a lot last week. I HATE CRYING.  I hate feeling that weak, and honestly, when my husband was just trying to help me get a grip, I denied his help thinking he just doesn't understand....but it was me who didn't understand. 

When Christ is in our lives, this constant battle between my sin and His goodness is quite tangling. My ears are deaf to His voice and my heart just wants to "feel good" again. Whatever it takes, whatever scripture that fits the moment, wherever I need to go, whomever I need to talk to.....I find myself searching for that ONE answer. The answer that will fix this....FIX ME!!

Last week, I felt forgotten. (Man, how my head lies to me.) I hadn't heard from any friend for almost a week. And then last night, while talking to a friend, the Holy Spirit rattled something out of my mouth that I personally needed to hear. You see, through all this tragedy, He has placed people in my life for me to lean on and learn from, for me to cry on and cry out to. I firmly believe that as those people fizzle out, fall away, whatever you call it, it's an opportunity to lean on Him more. He knows that I physically need people in my life, He is sensitive to my heart. But after so long, it's time to trust in Him again.

When tragedy strikes, I used to be the first one running. It's how I was raised. My mom would drop everything and hit the ground running when a friend was in need. No feelings, no time for thoughts....just simply GO. Now I find myself thinking it through. Maybe I'm just shell-shocked? 

Whatever it is, I feel handicapped. Restricted by myself. If I just stay at home, maybe the pain will stay away and not rear its ugly head. Seriously, how sinful is that? 

The next few weeks, I'm going to try to let the Holy Spirit reveal to me my thought life, and all the ugliness of the process. I am the only one holding myself back, for nonsense reasons. 

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

A New Song

One of the comfortable places for me used to be behind a microphone, singing praises to our Lord, with my mom and family watching. I've been so incredibly blessed to be born into a family of singers. The little church where we attended had chairs set up in the back of the sanctuary. Usually eight, but when our friends sat with us, we would have 15-20 set up. We sat so close together that I could hear everyone's voice. My parents, though they would have never admitted it, have awesome voices. Mom was an alto, my dad a nice tenor. My sisters and I stole the show, but my brother could carry a tune too....although we still kid him about that one and only solo he did...

Years later, as The Lord allowed, I fell in love with a man who loves music just as much, if not more than I do. We have a talented little family....our 1 and 3 year olds can scream on the same note....and clap in beat!

My mom kept me singing. When life would take me down different paths, she was constant encouragement. She believed in the song I sang. My voice led her to the throne of God. She would stand boldly as I sang "Holy Ground" with hands held high, tears falling to the floor. She would plan her church's programs around mine and my husband's schedule just so we could "do the music." She had such confidence in us, even when we felt like we were winging it.

The last time I sang...I mean really sing....was July 19. We could think of anyone better to honor her with music than her family. Blindly, my sister and I stepped into recording booth and choke out "Beulah Land" and "Down to the River to Pray," two songs she begged us to do before but we never did. We listened to our voices at her funeral, and ever since then....well.

I've been lying to myself. I told myself that special music at church was a cop out. It gave the congregation a chance to sit back and relax while someone else does the praising. I thought it was wrong, and that each song we sing should be everyone's opportunity to worship The Lord. I cringed when music was even played....I would run and hide in our nursery. Did you catch that?? Most people skip out of the sermons, it was the music...MUSIC....that I couldn't stomach.

A couple of weeks ago, a battered friend....someone who has weathered a similar storm to myself, asked me to sing with her Easter Sunday. Tears poured down my face before I could get a grip on my stone cold heart. Did she really just ask me to sing? I told her I would "pray about it." I jumped in my car, and I just could not get a grip. I couldn't stop my tears. How long am I suppose to tell God no?

Psalms 40:3 says "He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; many will see and fear and will trust in The Lord."

She apologized to me....no apology needed. How was she to know that I was wrestling with God about that very matter? In fact, I watched Him melt my heart almost overnight. She has a stunning voice, she's not quite as comfortable as I was, but she would sing specials occasionally. Through her own hurt....I questioned my own heart... Such courage it must have taken her to even want to sing?? The least I could do is swallow my pride and sing with her. Maybe it wouldn't conquer my quest but I could certainly help her. After all, she and I were in the same boat.

Then my husband told me I had a solo in the Easter Cantata....no ifs, ands or buts....it was mine. He had the entire choir gang up on me....I couldn't escape. So I sang it, as if second nature. And I sang it again.....turns out I am singing tonight, tomorrow, and Sunday morning.

My heart has changed about special music in a worship service..for the better. I keep talking about God healing my broken heart.....and He is.

Pride goes before the fall

Yesterday was a hard day. It wasn't a difficult as the weeks that led up to it, but it was still a hard day. Wrestling with God is not something I desire. Maybe I should.
My heart aches in the midst of uncertainty. But that just shows you my own spiritual maturity. My faith waivers daily.
I've been studying quite a bit in Job. It's what my mom left me with two days before she died. But today, my study led me to find hope in Joseph's life. He was Jacob's next to youngest son. Jacob was much older when Joseph was born and because of this, Jacob loved him more than his brothers.
Joseph was given dreams. They were hard dreams to interpret so he spilled his guts to his family, family that didn't understand and for the most part, were too prideful to want to understand. And here is where my pen met the paper.

Pride is ugly. It makes you jealous and incredibly angry. It robs you of all joy and insight. It blinds you of the truth.

In Genesis 37, when Joseph tells his family of the dreams he had, he wanted clarity. He depended upon his family for help, for vision. But even his father, Jacob, gave a knee-jerk reaction. Rather than having Joseph's best interests at heart, they had their own agendas. "You honestly think we will bow down to you??"
I imagine the young 17 year old boy in shock....."um, no sir, I don't have a clue!!"

While his brothers sat and stewed on this "news," Jacob gives us a glimmer of spiritual maturity and true parenthood. Verse 11 says he kept the saying in his mind. He tucked it away for another day, for his future, for his son's future. He believed in Joseph's purpose and knew that it was The Lord speaking to him through dreams and ultimately guiding his future.

It's easy to react quickly to bad news or news that disrupts our world. But if we hide that news in our hearts (minds) and it shows its self again in the future, we can be prepared, not scared or threatened.

We are seasoned. We can lead by example. Not all change is bad. Just look at the blessing Joseph was to his family in the future.

Persevere......Be the Blessing....

Today's a "Hey Lady" day

I remember this phrase rearing it's ugly head over and over. I have fond memories of walking into U-Save (the now Kroger) or Save-a-Lot in Whitley, and she would look over her shoulder and say, "It's a Hey Lady day, ok?"
Surely little ole me could never have disappointed her. My sheer appearance or general ambience was usually pleasing. I mean, who doesn't enjoy the teenage eye roll, the clothes that parents just don't understand, the attitude that accompanies the "no" that was just received.
Allow me to define the "Hey Lady Day." It appeared for a number of reasons. No shower, hair a wreck, stupidity, attitude, ALL IN PUBLIC....
Sometimes "Hey Lady" days were more comical than corrective. Like when she used it as reverse psychology. Or when we claimed the "Hey Lady" before she got a chance.

I wonder if God has "Hey Lady" days with me. What am I saying?? The real question is when does He not? When do I act in such a manner that my Father is not ashamed of me? My self-control fails me. My flesh is weak. I am a mess.

Thank goodness for grace. His sufficient grace. It bathes me, it cleans up my attitude, it keeps me humble.

And just so you know, Mom, I got my ratty hair cut and colored yesterday. So maybe my appearance is not as embarrassing. My children, on the other hand.....well, I fear I'm reaping what I sewed....

Glad that's over

HELLO MARCH!!! I seriously thought you would never come, but you are here and almost a 3rd of the way gone!
I dreaded every day of February. I missed my mom with each breath. Her birthday was the 22nd. We took a trip to honor her. I planned for that weekend all month long. I anticipated the grief I was to display that day. I held my breath as we journeyed north. Where are you Mom?? ALL.MONTH.LONG. That's 28 days, in case you were wondering. 28 days of just existence. If you looked at me long enough, I'm sure you could've seen straight through me. I was vanishing. It overwhelmed my heart, my brain, to think, to be a wife, a mother, a house cleaner, a hostess, a friend. Is that honoring anyone? um...FAIL.

As March has found me, I am OBSESSED with the word HOPE. I see it everywhere. In my daily Bible study.....entitled Abounding Hope.... on a bracelet, on TV, on Facebook, in song, words of encouragement. Hope....

If I allow myself to wallow in pity of how my mom is gone, I'm lonely, my guidance is gone, you name it, then I rob the Holy Spirit of His job. He brings me hope. Glorious Hope that this is not over. That I won't forget what she looked like, smelled like, laughed like, cried like. Hope that her faith, this torch that she has given me, is now SIGHT. She sees just what He has saved her from, this Jesus that loves us......yeah, He's holding her now. Who else would I want to greet me when I meet my Jesus than the one who prayed for my own faith? The one that held my hand and showed me Jesus. It's only appropriate that she introduce us face to face...although, I'm sure no introduction will be necessary.

So, as Steven Curtis Chapman has sang....

We have this hope as an anchor 'cause we believe that everything God promised us is true

So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

Happy Birthday Mom

For my mom's first birthday away from us, my sister suggested we go to her hometown and show her husband around. He had never been to Cincinnati. I just wish she could have shown him herself. Most of the tour was "just turn down that one street" and "something special happened in that house but I can't remember." That may sound unsettling to you, but it just assured me that Mom was with us. Her sense of direction was terrible. If you only knew how many times she got lost.....on the wrong side of Nashville with Katie, Charlotte and my mother-in-law Sharon, or when we took my cousins to the Cincinnati Zoo for Halloween and couldn't get off of Vine Street, or the time I was around 10 and I had to guide her off of New Circle Road. She had no problem asking for directions. But she was never allowed to go into a gas station by herself, less we get a pencilled map on the back of crumbled receipt/lotto ticket. Only to be followed by a "where to?" Then silence and "ummm..." Thanks Mom, we got it. Praise The Lord for GPS!

We began with a drive through Northern Kentucky then a walk on the Newport Levee. My daughter had never been to an aquarium so we ventured in. Then pizza with our family, fellowship, and on outside to release lanterns. I have to be honest. I never liked the idea of the lantern or balloon release. I just thought it seemed juvenile. My mom didn't not like flowers or balloons or anything she couldn't keep. Why should we honor her with something I'm not sure she even liked?
But something happened that night that made me a believer in the sentiment. It was crisp, cool evening. We all wrapped up in blankets, hoodies, you name it. We grabbed our fragile lanterns and began. My sister held hers out so my cousin could light it. As it heated and eventually left her hands, we watched it float higher and higher. It was truly magical. The moon was full and beautifully bright and the clouds ceased to move. Everything stood still. We lit our remaining 3, one by one. Tears fell. We grew silent. And for the first time I felt like I knew where Mom was. Not just spiritually, but physically, I finding myself looking for her among the clouds, in sun rays. I know that the lanterns found her.

The time of your life

My day started earlier than normal today with my son yelling out for me before 7am. I'm not whining at the time because I know so many get up even earlier. But that was a tad bit earlier than I was prepared. I started a challenge about 4 weeks ago to get up for my family, not to my family. I make a choice daily to begin with time with our Lord and in His Word and then get those blessings out of bed.
(Side note...to understand my heart, please know that I very much feel like my life can be broken down to a BC/AD timeline. I refer to things as before Mom, After Mom. In a sense, I'm still stuck in July 2012. I feel like I've moved some, but definitely in slow motion.)

Two days before she left us, she and I sat on a hotel bed in Pigeon Forge. We were waiting for my dad and husband to come pick us up to take my kids to Dollywood. My dad was ill, feeling weak, but he so desired to see my son play in their waterpark. As we waited, Mom proceeded to tell me how the past 5 days had been amazing. Dad had felt the best he had ever felt in the last 5 years. She was digging into God's Word, in great communion with Him. She revealed to me what He was showing her through Job. The conversation was more about the suffering and how to pull through on faith. She confessed her own selfishness and stubborness to me. She was free from a burden she had been carrying for far too long.

When I made the choice to start waking up early, I found a study based on Luke. I pressed on with it even though I didn't feel led to participate. I held out waiting for the Hello Mornings Challenge, not knowing what the material would be. Then it was launched... Abounding Hope, a study of Job. Wow....can we say divine?

I was nervous. I had slim expectations. I never imagined that God could change my heart in just 3 short weeks.

Today's passage was Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.....the ever popular "a time to..." I have heard this scripture so many times at funerals. Most camp out on verse 2....a time to be born and a time to die. A commentary I read through this morning said some observe that here is a time to be born and a time to die, but no time to live; that is so short that it is not worth mentioning; as soon as we are born we begin to die.
Thank goodness the scriptures go on because there are many more appointed times.
Birth and Death. Plant and Uproot. Kill and Heal. Tear down and Build up. WEEP and LAUGH. MOURN and DANCE. Scatter stones....gather stones. Embrace and shun. Seek and Lose. Keep....throw away. Tear apart, mend together. BE SILENT...SPEAK UP. Love and Hate. War and Peace. (This is Life.....this is the dash between the dates.)

Lesson Learned

Let me warn you....this blog post is not for the weak, the timid, the so-so friend. Proceed with caution.

This morning's Word struck some painful notes on my heart. My prayer for myself is that my heart be convicted rather than point fingers as to how I was let down.

After Satan attacked Job's family, fortune, and health, word spread quickly to 3 of his friends. And Job 2:12 says they each came from their place to be with them. Verse 13 says that they mourned over him, with him, sat on the ground with him for 7 days and nights in silence as he grieved. My commentary said these were not fair weather friends. Later I will read that even though their advice was not always sound, they still had their friend's best interest at heart.

It makes me wonder if these "friends" were actually family to some degree. Today makes SEVEN incredibly long, pain-filled months. Most of the world has returned to their normal. I have a few friends who have suffered on their own path as I have this past year. One thing we agree to is there is no normal. Life as we knew it is history, and we must continue down a path that is cloudy. The only thing to guide us is faith.

Family and a handful of friends have been the constant. One person in particular, stuck out to me after I returned home, returned to my new normal. She sat me down, let me talk a bit, then she said, "Tell me how to minister to you, because I want to help. Just tell me how." Another couple just came to my dad's house as we scrambled to make funeral arrangements and other details. They remained in the background. They hugged us, prayed over us, cleaned after us, organized what little bit we had left. You all know who you are.

Let me say that prayer alone has sustained me. It's helped me to be faithful in times that I just wanted to shake my fists at the Lord for the hurt I had. It's shown me God's Way and how Sovereign He is, how His path is not just better, it is best.

Let me also say that while sentiments are nice, flowers, cards, etc.... none of that has made the impact on my bleeding heart like the fellowship of friends that mourned with me, that have walked with me for the last 7 months.

That being said, Please, Lord, let this be a lesson to me that when trouble comes, convict my heart to stop, stay, and be silent. Just sit with my sister/brother and mourn with them. Talk when they need to talk. Be silent when silence is requested. Pray without ceasing for comfort and peace beyond all understanding. To bypass the "I'm sorry" and "if there's anything I can do." There is always something to do! Please forgive me as I have let my faith family down in their times of great need and sadness. Thank You for this example and of the Ultimate Example. Thank You for Your sufficient amount of grace. Thank You for never leaving my side....for just sitting in silence with me.

I thought I lost it all

I have never claimed to be a writer. In fact, I hated to write in school. To make me think, to make me stop and put the pencil to the paper, that was corporal punishment. Recently, I have found it to be releasing. In a sense, I feel like my words can be seen by Heaven, and I can stay connected with my mom.

My mom was glue. Her prayers, her personality, her persistance, it held our family together. And that was difficult. Have you ever tried to keep 20+ people happy, in the same room, all fed? You get the idea. As I tried (and failed) to help my dad and siblings shop for Christmas, I realized just how talented she was. She had this ability to think of ALL of us at the same time, never leaving anyone out, and keeping it all equal. Her house in Heaven will be bigger than the rest of ours.

She was sensitive and had the most amazing skills. She was a P31 (Proverbs 31 woman). She could tell how my day was going with tone of my voice in a simple "Hey." She was silly. She LOVED to laugh. She would anticipate my calls just to hear what crazy things my boy would come up with. I remember when Grady found himself in a mirror at 3 months. I called her up, put her on speaker phone so she could hear him flirting with himself. We laughed for what seemed hours.

She was, OH SO, Wise!! Many of our conversations, she would just stop me and pray for direction, protection, wisdom, peace. I've never met anyone like her. I fear I never will again.
 
When Mom died, I very much died with her. The normal I was accustomed with is gone. My grandfather, who was a Godly man, told her many years ago, that she would not see one of her girls be an adult. (He told her it was revealed to her, like a prophecy, or just God talking to him.) She really didn't believe him, after all, we were both in our twenties, her stepchildren were older than us, we were all married and starting families. I can't speak for my siblings, but as far as I'm concerned, I believe him. It was me he was referring to. My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. We have 2 amazing babies. I have known the Lord since I was 12. I have walked in "The Way" for a long time.

If you would've asked me about my walk with God or my marriage a year ago, I would have told you I was doing ok. God had truly blessed me. Indeed. In July, I watched my world crumble. A typical day prior would involve me calling my mom 3-4 times a day, then my sister. I occasionally would text my husband, and give him a shout on my way home from work. I stayed busy. I gave my kids a kiss every morning and night. I couldn't tell you what their likes and dislikes were because I was too busy.
I went to my mom for everything. Good day, bad day, BIG decisions, little decisions, Funny, sad, Prayer, Vent....oh did I VENT. She was able to put her Titus mentor hat on rather than her momma hat. When I was frustrated with life, or my husband for that matter, she kept me in perspective. She loved Daniel (hubby) even when I waivered. I was such a CHILD.

Today, I read in Psalm 139:23-24 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way."
As I searched through it, I found how superstitious I am. I never ask God for patience....because then He will give me circumstances where I have to be just that.. Patient. So why do I want God to "try" me? I don't. It hurts. I've been going through it for almost 7 months now. Growing pains feel like a heart attack some times. Try me means to test, like a metal. In this case, it compares God's testing to refining precious metal like silver and gold. Hurtful in its Hebrew word (otseb) translates to an idol, sorrow, wicked.. a harmful habit like idolatry.

WOW. I never considered my love and loyalty to my mom hurtful. But it was.
When I returned home after all the services, food, prayers, cards, I noticed my constant. He was always in the background, making sure my needs were met. It was the only guy on earth I've ever loved. He was providing for me, loving me, protecting me. He had never left my side. He was such a witness to what Jesus was trying to do for me too. I realized then just what kind of position I had place my mom in, my husband and my relationship with Christ. It was dangerous. While none were intended to harm me, look what I had done!

I have watched God rearrange my priorities. I hurt, oh my soul, do I hurt. But I could be in such a darker place right now if He hadn't shown me His love, mercy, peace. And this HOPE.....ABOUNDING HOPE.

 

Piper (my daughter) is everything my mom prayed for, I simply can't take credit for her! She's a bouncing, RED HEAD, GIRL. She loves to dance. When I look at her, it's as if I'm accompanied by Mom and my sister, Katie.