I thought I lost it all

I have never claimed to be a writer. In fact, I hated to write in school. To make me think, to make me stop and put the pencil to the paper, that was corporal punishment. Recently, I have found it to be releasing. In a sense, I feel like my words can be seen by Heaven, and I can stay connected with my mom.

My mom was glue. Her prayers, her personality, her persistance, it held our family together. And that was difficult. Have you ever tried to keep 20+ people happy, in the same room, all fed? You get the idea. As I tried (and failed) to help my dad and siblings shop for Christmas, I realized just how talented she was. She had this ability to think of ALL of us at the same time, never leaving anyone out, and keeping it all equal. Her house in Heaven will be bigger than the rest of ours.

She was sensitive and had the most amazing skills. She was a P31 (Proverbs 31 woman). She could tell how my day was going with tone of my voice in a simple "Hey." She was silly. She LOVED to laugh. She would anticipate my calls just to hear what crazy things my boy would come up with. I remember when Grady found himself in a mirror at 3 months. I called her up, put her on speaker phone so she could hear him flirting with himself. We laughed for what seemed hours.

She was, OH SO, Wise!! Many of our conversations, she would just stop me and pray for direction, protection, wisdom, peace. I've never met anyone like her. I fear I never will again.
 
When Mom died, I very much died with her. The normal I was accustomed with is gone. My grandfather, who was a Godly man, told her many years ago, that she would not see one of her girls be an adult. (He told her it was revealed to her, like a prophecy, or just God talking to him.) She really didn't believe him, after all, we were both in our twenties, her stepchildren were older than us, we were all married and starting families. I can't speak for my siblings, but as far as I'm concerned, I believe him. It was me he was referring to. My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. We have 2 amazing babies. I have known the Lord since I was 12. I have walked in "The Way" for a long time.

If you would've asked me about my walk with God or my marriage a year ago, I would have told you I was doing ok. God had truly blessed me. Indeed. In July, I watched my world crumble. A typical day prior would involve me calling my mom 3-4 times a day, then my sister. I occasionally would text my husband, and give him a shout on my way home from work. I stayed busy. I gave my kids a kiss every morning and night. I couldn't tell you what their likes and dislikes were because I was too busy.
I went to my mom for everything. Good day, bad day, BIG decisions, little decisions, Funny, sad, Prayer, Vent....oh did I VENT. She was able to put her Titus mentor hat on rather than her momma hat. When I was frustrated with life, or my husband for that matter, she kept me in perspective. She loved Daniel (hubby) even when I waivered. I was such a CHILD.

Today, I read in Psalm 139:23-24 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way."
As I searched through it, I found how superstitious I am. I never ask God for patience....because then He will give me circumstances where I have to be just that.. Patient. So why do I want God to "try" me? I don't. It hurts. I've been going through it for almost 7 months now. Growing pains feel like a heart attack some times. Try me means to test, like a metal. In this case, it compares God's testing to refining precious metal like silver and gold. Hurtful in its Hebrew word (otseb) translates to an idol, sorrow, wicked.. a harmful habit like idolatry.

WOW. I never considered my love and loyalty to my mom hurtful. But it was.
When I returned home after all the services, food, prayers, cards, I noticed my constant. He was always in the background, making sure my needs were met. It was the only guy on earth I've ever loved. He was providing for me, loving me, protecting me. He had never left my side. He was such a witness to what Jesus was trying to do for me too. I realized then just what kind of position I had place my mom in, my husband and my relationship with Christ. It was dangerous. While none were intended to harm me, look what I had done!

I have watched God rearrange my priorities. I hurt, oh my soul, do I hurt. But I could be in such a darker place right now if He hadn't shown me His love, mercy, peace. And this HOPE.....ABOUNDING HOPE.

 

Piper (my daughter) is everything my mom prayed for, I simply can't take credit for her! She's a bouncing, RED HEAD, GIRL. She loves to dance. When I look at her, it's as if I'm accompanied by Mom and my sister, Katie.